if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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