You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
