Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
