My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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