people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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