Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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