You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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