I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
should my penis look like a turkey
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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