I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I accidentally burped into my bong.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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