In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
