remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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