I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
