So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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