My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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