how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
