but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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