Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize