sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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