Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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