On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
