I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize