tell your sister to shave her snatch
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
