If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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