i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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