Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
