i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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