i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Someone signed my nipple.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
