i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize