I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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