you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
