Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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