I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
