ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize