I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
