she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
