FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
