the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
