i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
zippers are such a cool invention
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize