i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize