apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
