So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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