I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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