a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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