dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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