Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
