I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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