I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize