Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
