I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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