her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
