I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
