its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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