Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
