A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
