Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
