if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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