Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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