Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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