I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
